Can I speak to the Bride please?

Good morning all!  I am just 24 hours away from putting my mind and mostly my office staff's minds at ease.  For tomorrow will be the day we no longer have to speak with the scariest groom that faces this sweet earth.  It has been 6 months since my last confession, just kidding, since the couple first booked with me. Lucky for us, they are not the type of couple that felt the need to plan two years in advance! Could have been a long and chilling two years.  I have to say, meeting face to face with the bride and groom is nothing but a normal B&G/planner type of visit. HOWEVER, when the groom calls to speak with me, (and boyyy does he call!) it leaves the imagination wondering to a land of hair-raising horror. More bluntly, he sounds like a rapist.  So much so, that every time he has spoken to one of the staff members here in the office for the first time, they screen the call and take a message in fear that he is a murderer.  A serial killer out to procure me down a dark alley where he will stash my body behind a dumpster when he has done whatever he pleases to it. His demeanor is hard to explain in text but it is sketchy at best.  He is very quiet with a deep mumbly voice and doesn't say much of anything. After I feel I have answered his reason for calling, he will remain on the phone in silence for may only be seconds but feels like a whole lot of minutes! I continually try to call and email the bride in hopes to speak with someone who does not haunt my thoughts but I continually have no luck! Just 24 hours away and it's good bye groom and hello sweet dreams!

True definition

I found this online, So it must be true! UrbanDictionary.com.

BRIDEZILLA

One ridiculous spoiled bitch that thinks she is the center of the universe, just because her "show" (the wedding) is 18 months from now. Everyone else in the world has to drop everything and come running in this prime-donna's mind. The marriage will not last more than a couple of years,if the groom to be is lucky.

"Man, get a load of that bridezilla. We should warn him that he will never have another blow job after getting married."

How about a follow up show to "Bridezillas" called "Wives from hell"!!??

Kharma baby!

Today starts as usual at 11am and even though I have a wedding today, I am expecting all to be pretty uneventful. Aside from the bridal party being a bit loud and disorderly (by way of alcohol consumption) at the rehearsal last night, they have been pretty laid back and easy to work with. Setting up the ballroom was quick and easy with just a couple small dollar store decorations and tea light candles to put on each table. Some time has passed and we are now 30 minutes away from "Go Time". I just received a call on the radio saying my bride has an emergency and needs me to go to her room ASAP. I make my way to a room empty of a bride and full of disgruntled bridesmaids. One bridesmaid, (bride's sister) who is not in her gown and is instead in jeans and a tank, brushes past me whilst yelling "I have apparently ruined the wedding, forget her! I am out of here"! It is explained to me our rogue bridesmaid does not fit in her dress and the bride has decided it's an issue worth calling off the wedding. She herself is refusing to get in her own gown. It takes me just a few minutes to hunt down the bride and talk her into moving on with the wedding, minus a maid. I now have everyone dressed and where I need them to be. I take the groom and his men to the ceremony site to unfortunately find our "jeans and tank top bridesmaid" loudly discussing a bit too many details with the wedding guests. None the less, the ceremony rolls on and a married couple is produced!

Now onto the reception: I am helping the DJ line up the bridal party to be introduced and my rogue bridesmaid pops in line. The bride allows her to get introduced with the rest of the gang. STILL in her skin tight jeans and tank top with the word "DIVA" bejeweled across the breast! I give them some space while they get their first dance out of the way and dinner started. I head back about an hour later to say Good bye and I find out the Bride has left to change into another dress, Wardrobe change! Just as I am heading back out the door my Diva tanked bridesmaid whales around the corner telling every one in passing that she doesn't feel so bad now. Just as I begin to ask the meaning... my bride appears in her same wedding gown. As Kharma would see fit, her dress did not!

My wedding trumps... your cold.

Death has warmed over and it's sitting in my nose, chest and throat in the form of a terrible cold. Unfortunately, the wedding planning business does not come with the luxury of sick days. We are given lots of them, with no time to take them! I've arrived at work at 11am and directly following pressing the power button on my computer, I load up with Vitamin C, Antibiotics, Zinc and Tylenol Cold. Surely this will do the trick! I have a couple tastings scheduled today and I plan to excuse myself from sitting with them while they eat (in efforts to avoid contaminating their meal). My first tasting is here and they can clearly see that I am in ill-spirits. Somehow, this does not deter them from the ramped question asking. I take them up to the restaurant and try to excuse myself, as planned. As not planned, they completely ignore my plea to leave and continue asking questions! Meanwhile, I'm getting stuffier and stuffier and if they don't allow to me to remove myself from the table, somebody will be getting in their napkin what is in my nose! It's now time for my second tasting but this time before they can even get their first word out; I let them know they are going to be going at it alone today. I do have a wedding today and I'm feeling thankful that they're a very easy couple. Not sure I would respond well to a day full of commands in my condition!

Uh oh, She doesn't fit!

I have encountered a first… last night’s wedding wasn’t mine but I was around to help the coordinator who was in charge. As usual, the bride was appearing to be “fashionably late” so we were all just roaming around the hotel on stand-by. The time seems to be growing far past the fashionably late time frame so we call the ladies’ room again to check on them. Their coordinator tells me to grab my emergency bridal kit and meet her up stairs in the bride’s suite. I walk in the door and see that the beautiful bride is all set to go down the aisle but to her left is a slightly larger, half-dressed bridesmaid. (Who undoubtedly thought maybe she would lose more weight before the wedding…) Her dress was entirely too small! I don’t mean just by one size either, we’re talking by 2 or 3. The girl’s have broken the zipper in their attempts to remedy the situation. I pull out my kit to save the day! I have super glue, safety pins, a sewing kit, zip ties, everything short of a tub of grease and a roll of cellophane. I found there was another layer underneath that was about the same color as the outer layer so I cut out a large section of it. I safety pinned and super glued it in between the gaping hole and although I’m not sure how she’s going to get out of it, it appears to be working. She also had a sash that was supposed to tie around the waist which I turned into a bow and placed it on the back so it covered most of the “altered” area. Unfortunately, I wasn’t around for the reception so I can’t say for certain if she busted out of it at any point or not. BUT I can tell you, I did a fine job with what I had to work with!

Finally a new post!

I am beginning to think the reason there are no other blogs out there like mine, is because the wedding world just sucks up so much of your life that it leaves no time to write. For those who used to like reading my blog, I appreciate your patience!

So, yesterday was pretty crazy. I had two weddings an hour apart and both were much on the needy side. I arrived at work at 11am and was immediately called to duty. I tossed my purse aside, put on my (J-Lo like) radio and went straight work teaching some bridesmaids how to tie sashes around the chairs, (because the bride was too cheap to pay the $30 the company charges to put them on for you).

I have the inside scoop on a little incident that went down at one of the weddings. Apparently, one of the Groomsmen decided to steal a bottle of wine from the bar they were at the previous night. Police men came and had him pulled from the reception… To his luck, the bar owner decided not to press charges and let the poor schmuck continue his celebration with the rest of the group. I happen to know the bartender at the bar they were at. It turns out, he actually broke the cooler to get to the bottle of wine, camera caught him putting it in his jacket AND THEN, he accidentally left the bottle behind at the bar! Thus now claiming the Idiot of the week award!

My second wedding yesterday evening started an hour late. An Hour! To make matters worse, the bride told us she would be down in 10 minutes when we called up to check on her. Once we heard 10 minutes, we decided to send the guests outside so we could start as soon as she came down. Outside, as in not one iota of shade! 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 40 minutes, an hour goes by, and finally we are able to start the wedding. To her defense though, she did appear a bit tipsy and well, I can relate…

Canned beer and wedding tears.

My morning has started at 11am. Morning weather forecast: a very hot and muggy 98 degrees without a cloud in the sky. We have lots of functions today so it’s going to be hectic. Just how I like it! My wedding today was completely put together by a Travel Agent in the boondocks of Iowa, random. She’s not here for the wedding but she played wedding planner for them and helped get all the details together. I imagine that resources are limited in their little rustic town. I did the couples rehearsal last night. The groom looks a little like Doogie Howser and is very particular. It takes him a while to explain details to me. Of course I’ve done all of this a million times so I know what he’s going to ask before the first three words come out. Another coordinator here made a slight screw up and overlapped my function time with her afternoon event. I’ve decided to set up one of our smaller and more casual rooms for my guests to head to for cocktail hour after the ceremony. This gives us one hour to take all the previous items out of the ballroom, clean it and completely set it back up for my wedding. Can it be done? Only time can tell.

Everything seems to be going as planned today. However, we are about 2 hours out from my wedding and it appears all of my guests, and the bridal party, have set up camp in the hotel lobby. A canned beer kind of camp. Even the bride was sporting an aluminum brew as an accessory to her wedding gown. The front desk is complaining about not being able to hear guests calling on the phone so I try to come up with a solution. I suppose it’s a little warm out for them to gather outside of the air conditioning… I check their cocktail hour room and to my delight it is already set up. I’ve let the guests know that we have prepared a room for them, with a bar, for them to gather in. (One guy definitely caught the buzz as I heard him say “I think they’re trying to get us out of the lobby”). I catch a couple heading into the ballroom that definitely do not look like wedding guests. The man is in a tank top, with very large furry arms all out and about for the world to enjoy, and a pair of cargo shorts. His lady of choice was in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I stop them and ask if they are with the wedding and one of the other guest replies that they are. I was a bit confused until I walked into the room and noticed many others in the same kind of garments. If this is their wedding attire, could you imagine what they wear for casual events?!

The bridal party is all lined up and the ceremony now begins. The groom has decided he wants to usher all the parents and grandparents down himself. This took about 15 minutes (or at least that's how long it felt) as he gave each of them very long and endearing hugs before they took their seats. He comes back to me and gets in line with his groomsmen. It appears at this point the groom is already sobbing his eyes out. Our little Doogie Howser is clearly the sensitive type! If you've ever seen the movie "Bedazzled" with Elizabeth Hurley and Brendan Fraser, recall back to the part where he plays the "sensitive type" on the beach with his dream girl. This is what I was witnessing! He fought through the tears and made it down the aisle, as did the rest of the party, and another couple was married.

Oh yeah, and not only did we have the ballroom set up in time, we were 20 minutes early and awaiting their arrival!